I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
