You work out of a Hotel?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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