Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
