the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
