That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
