I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
