hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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