I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
