Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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