I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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