Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
