I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
