went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
