woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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