I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
