chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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