I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
