My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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