Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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