strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Drake has all the answers
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
