Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
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I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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