Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
