dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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