You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
