My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
