In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
