she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i think i have two assholes
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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