Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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