I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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