i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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