my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I cut my penus on the lid.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
