i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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