I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
sex in a hospital.. check
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
