I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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