I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
ttyl tear gas
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
