I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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