you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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