Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
