When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
