This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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