I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
