The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
