history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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