i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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