Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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