I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
