I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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