His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
