When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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