oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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