Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
