Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
