DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
