We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
