I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
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The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
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My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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